My boyfriend was having a rough start to his holiday season 2 years ago. He was told he was being promoted, but was instead laid off. He did the whole thing guys do when their ego is hurt, “Oh, I was gonna quit that place anyways“. But his pride was hurt, and worse: he was bored & poor. I felt bad for him so I did what any sympathetic girlfriend would do…actually I did what a complete schmuck would do: I bought him a new video game. I had heard all of his guy friends raving about this game called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, so I ordered it online and had it sent to his house as a surprise. At least he would have something to do after spending half his day job hunting, right? Dead wrong. Biggest mistake of my entire fucking life. Call of Duty is a bigger home-wrecker than Angelina Jolie. How could I have been so naive to buy him this shit?! Job search was off, duty had called, and my boyfriend had answered by enlisting in the virtual war.
So here is my list of problems with COD:
My boyfriend thinks he is playing against real army dudes & forgets who he is actually screaming “You pansy!” at: 10 year olds…
The time invested in playing COD takes away from important time that should be focused on how awesome I am.
COD warps his sense of time. I’ll ask him sweetly, “Are you almost done with that match?” And he will respond, “I just started playing, give me another two rounds then we can watch ‘The Notepad’.” Then I’ll say, “It’s actually called ‘The Notebook’, and just started? You’ve been playing that thing for 7 hours and 34 minutes…without pausing to pee“.
The glazed over look in my boyfriend’s eyes as soon as he turns on the PS3:
The wicked annoying catchphrases that I repeatedly hear the virtual army yell, all day and night. For example:
The self loathing I felt for buying this game. Why did I subject myself to this? Couldn’t I have bought him a cooler video game that I could get into? Like Crash Bandicoot…or this:
Anyways, after a winter of full blown, crack-like addiction, something miraculous happened. My boyfriend said something beautiful. He uttered the words, “I’m getting sick of Call of Duty“. And from that day on, things were back to normal….well, things were back to my way. I got to watch Teen Mom, Lifetime movies, Sex & the City, Sister Wives, and all my favorite terrible television shows again. And he was right there with me, sure he was miserable with this existence while the remote was in my hands, but life was glorious.
You know what they say though, all good things must come to an end. And just like Teen Mom came out with a new batch of pregnant teenagers for a Teen Mom 2, and Kody Brown married a 4th wife, Call of Duty came out with a new game: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. But I wasn’t too concerned. I guess I got cocky, and forgot about the COD Winter of 2010-11 incident. Because I did it again: I overheard my male coworkers talking about the new game. And I went online, and ordered the game to my boyfriend’s house…again. He was so excited, but was wary of my actions. He accused me of purchasing the game as a form of torture…”Look what you have, but I won’t let you play!“. He also suspected an ulterior motive, because Christmas was coming and I realized Blackberry is no Iphone. But no, these accusations were false. I was just an idiot who bought him the same video that almost ruined my life the year before. How could I complain about him playing when I wasn’t naive anymore, I was just…stupid.
Aside from a giant blowout last night that almost resulted in me throwing the PS3 out the window, this round of Call of Duty addiction hasn’t been as bad. Relationships evolve, and you learn how to compromise and make it work. Besides, there is an online support group that is in the form of a Facebook group entitled Girlfriends Who Hate Call of Duty, so I feel less alone. Every now and then I still hear him screaming, “Screw you, Paula!” at some weirdo with the PS3 username ‘Paula Abdul’ (like, what?). But life isn’t perfect, and sometimes our boyfriends scream things about a 12 year old’s mother over a headset on the internet. I just try to remember that the day of things going my way again will come sometime in the near future. And the near future is Tuesday at 10pm, the finale of Teen Mom. It’s Gary time. GAME OVER.
To hear more of what Molly has to say, go to BecauseMollySaidSo.com!